There is a small wooden frame in my room with quote – “Life is a beautiful ride”. Today the cynical side of me looked at it and said -” yeah, life is taking me for a ride”.
Few days ago, on Christmas eve I got a wonderful present from special someone and all of a sudden, 9 months worth of pain just disappeared. I was over the moon, plantings were underway and finally I was going to feel joy and comfort and love until last night. I got the news which was so unexpected and sudden that I think I was almost in shock or disbelief. This morning, it started to sink in that -ohh, so things are where they were and nothing is going to change and the struggle continues. So obviously, today I have been struggling with these thoughts and must have cried approximately 52 times by now. Ok, I am exaggerating. I cried like 17 times or maybe like 4.25 times.
Why am I giving TMI here? No I don’t want any condolence or certainly do not intent to play victim card.
Its actually funny because when I was deciding to start this daily series of ‘Cooking happiness in 2021’, I had one secret worry. It was that by aiming to find happiness in each day of life , I might be teasing the Happiness God and what if I offend the GOD? What if the Happiness God starts throwing me real bad situations and smirk to say – ‘hmmm, now find a reason to be happy m’dear’, almost like teasing me.
Well Well, now that I have started this then I have to continue right? So here you go-
I know I have a really bad time going on but I am very comfortable in my life. I can do things that are so easy for me like order swiggy, big basket artisanal curds, buy gifts for family, sleep in a very comfy quilt and wear comfortable clothes. I have job, some dreams, a small talent (maybe), a very nice partner, friends and family. Yes today sucked and maybe the next few days will suck too and well Infact the last many months were just pathetic in many ways and good in many ways. But the problems I have are privilege problems and I can survive.
Coming to the point of this blog -the happy time today – I got a wake up call from Mr Hanson and he was all smiley. So I snapped asking ‘you are too happy for things to turn out so bad’ and he responded ‘Infact I am trying to be happy for you as you are very unhappy’. Well he always says the right thing. ( side note: I was a vegetable in the morning and would have stayed like that the whole day if I lived on my own and had no job & would not have received the morning call. The day had no meaning for me and I every time alarm rang, I asked “what is there to look forward to?”)
Second – My dearest friend called me, out of the blue, today itself- surprising right? She mentioned that she is very happy that I finally started writing even if I don’t yet write good stuff but she is happy as long as I stick with it. She also told me that the ‘next time you are upset then just try one new thing and that is to call people and vomit the problem’. Thanks Bovaristt for the call. The reason I don’t call and talk about my problems are because I have over exploited that lifeline for many years in the past but maybe its time I dial a lifeline again.
So – Life is a beautiful ride even when its taking us for a ride.
p.s – The shitty mood is still on and now at back of my head there is a thought – its time to aim at something else in 2021. Maybe the biggest wish won’t come true so what is my plan B.