I still remember that night when he went down on his knees and asked me to marry him. I saw love in his eyes and felt care in his words. I even asked him, Sushant, are you sure you want us to get married and to that he replied Meera, you are the one for me, you are the one who will always be there for me and I love you from bottom of my heart, please let us get married and grow old together. I instantly said yes as this is what I always wanted in my life. I wanted someone who would always love me and someone who wants to grow old with me.
Its only 2 years that I have shifted to his house with his family and I was loving everything. Even if hat included getting up the very first day to make tea and 40 potato filled breads (paratha) for the entire family of 7 people. I even washed the dirty vessels the first day itself which were left there on sink last night from my mahandi hands which by the way took 8 hours to get completed. I was instead telling to myself that this is real life and all those things about new brides are only a part of some big budget serials.
I did not even realize his intentions when on our honeymoon in Singapore, he asked me to pay the hotel bills as all his money was over by the time of check out. Instead I was feeling bad that he would have felt bad asking his wife money and over splurged him with all the money I had at that time. Even after that I was happy when he would take me out for only a glass of juice after we returned to Hyderabad as he left his job one week before our marriage without informing me. Things did not even annoy me when even after 6 months he did not want to resume his job. All he wanted was to sit on his sofa with full bucked of KFC chicken and watch WWF. I am amazed at myself as I did not feel cheated when I came to know 6 months after marriage that he has only completed his 12th standard. How did he manage to hide this from me. He told me that he was a b com graduate and he is pursuing MBA. Still I stayed with him and made a decision to help him succeed in life.
Today I am amazed at myself for not feeling that bad about any of those things. Yes we fought when his family taunted at me for not giving them enough money and rather spending on the lavish wedding. After all I am a womanist and how I could have tolerated such a remark but they say right, Love is blind and so was I at that time to think that only his family is money minded and not him. He loves and he needs me so I should become the provider of family.
Things only became bad for me when he stopped returning home after office, when he started hiding his chat screen as I enter the house and his phone stayed on silent mode at all times. I still did not pay much attention to this thing even after I read his chat to his ex girlfriend as I felt maybe he was in some mood when he spoke to her.May be he need some time alone and maybe he is craving his singlehood. So I decided to give him some space and applied the theory that you need to loosen the rubber band for it to expand to its max and then return to its normal position.
I still can not remember how and when I became unimportant for him.Basically I was never important for him at first place. It was what I have had assumed out of my need of a loving husband. I now think that I should have spoken to him about this when one of his office colleague sent him message expressing her attraction to him or when I saw him standing at a telephone booth talking to her ex girlfriend or when he stopped returning home directly from office. But my love for him or the need of him was too him was too high that I chose to remain silent. But it was over when it was out and clear that he is cheating on this institution of marriage with a new colleague. I remember confronting him and he made me believe that I am wrong tp doubt at him. I cried silently when after making love with me he was texting her to ask why she had switched off her phone. I wept sitting on bathroom floor at middle of the night when I heard him talking to her from under the covers. Why was I tolerating this so much. I am well educated woman and have always believed in doing the right thing so why couldn’t I stand up at that time.
It was because I had no surety from his mouth that he is out of love with me and that all this is true. Instead he was only making me believe that I am a nagging wife and not giving him enough space. Today also when he came from his office party he lied to me saying she was not there where in only 10 minutes his friend posted on Facebook that why Sushant left the party with her so early and that they were missing these 2 people. I did not dare ask Sushant this time about an explanation but he himself started shouting and blaming me for doubting at him. He told me that only because you don’t believe me , I hided from you about her coming to this party Meera. She was not well so I took her to her home and stayed with her until his husband would return home and he kept on comparing me with her stating that she never doubts at her husband when he returns home late and she has a life of her own and that she has told her husband about Sushant and the special friendship they share. I was only listening to the anger coming from his mouth and then he changed his clothes and went to sleep peacefully. His mother heard the whole conversation by standing next to our room door and did not say word.
I am sinking. I am sinking so deep that I may not be able to recover. I need air. That is when I put on my slippers and starts walking. I am completely lost. I hate going back to that place where no one cares about me, where my husband is silently sleeping and is not bothered where his wife is. I hate myself for being so submissive. But where will go? I don’t know anyone here and I did not carry my wallet while coming out from home. I should rather kill myself and may be seeing my corpse he will realize that I loved him so much that I did not want to stay with him. Meera, you gotta be kidding me, wake up from this slumber and see the future,my brain said but my heart gave counter attack and said, no don’t listen to your brain Meera, you don’t deserve anything good, you are unlucky in love and you should accept this as fate.
A little far away I can see some men trying to tie the biggest statue of Lord Ganesh of Secunderabad with ropes as they want to take this to the main temple and will immerse the deity in water on GaneshChaturthi. I am now standing in front of the deity and I am looking straight at his eyes and I question his with all conviction that are you really GOD? Do you really have some powers or you are just a mere piece of design? I continued in my head, If you really are a true one then show me the truth or else shame on you and you should never show me your face again. I say this and I turn my back at him as I am only angry with him and I start walking back to home without thinking anything.
I am at home and I amazed at what I see, my loving husband is talking on phone with beloved and he never cared where I went. He immediately keeps the phone down and comes to me to ask sorry and tells me that he lost his temper and that he will never meet her again. This is the man who was just speaking to her right now. But I have no energy to argue as I am tired because of walking for almost 4 hours now. I go to my bed and shows him that I am tired and going to sleep. He kisses on my head and rushes towards bathroom to take bath and get ready for work as he works at night shifts. Just then something inside me asked me to check his phone. I accidentally went a section on his phone which stored the recorded conversations. This phone of his had a problem with touchscreen and at time the record button used to get pressed when you are talking with phone unlocked. Why the hell I never thought of this before, I cursed myself.
There were 6 files saved and I immediately transferred them to my phone and put head phones and listened to them straightaway. It had conversation of him with his girlfriend where they were deciding the place to make out and the fighting over the topic of him having occasional sex with me where he was promising her that he has stopped touching me months back. I am not crying even after listening to this. Instead my hands and legs are numb, my body became completely cold and I was sweating heavily. He came out of bathroom and did not notice a thing and went to his office. I sat on that bed for may be an hour or so just looking at the wall in front of me. I somehow could not think and may be I was in a state of shock. May be I wanted someone to take my name and ask me to react.
I forwarded the audio file to my two best friends and they immediately called me. The call was a conference call and both of them asked me to stand up and pack the bags and wait till morning breaks and walk out. I was anyways not able to think so I followed their instructions. I stood up and took my bag and neatly started packing my clothes. I was extremely slow in my actions as I had whole night to pack. I remembered all those scenes from old Hindi movies where actresses would leave their husbands and will be packing their bags hurriedly with the hangers intact. I finished packing my important clothes, my camera, my documents and my left over gold. I then sat on my bed and now I realized the pain. Something was hitting me in my heart. It was pinching me like 1000 knifes. I started crying and crying and crying. I went to bed and turned to one side and hugged myself and cried as I am left all alone.I have no way in front of me, I am not sure if I will ever be loved again and even if I will then how will I trust anyone now, how will I tell my parents, who will marry my sisters, where will I live and there will be no one to hug me also now. For hours I cried and once I got tired of crying I felt some strength inside. I remembered the saying of Buddha’s that ” There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth ; not going all the way and not starting”
So yes I need to start now. I should not and can not limit myself from a nice life ahead. I have hope as I am healthy and can work to earn my bread and butter. I am young and energetic and will surely live life with zeal and zest like I have always wanted to life. Yes may be I will be alone for sometime or for a long time or may be forever and may be this deep wish of mine to have a harmonious relationship will never come true but still that should be better then living with a husband whose nature is to cheat and a family who gives a damn about me.
I am still me and I will not give in for this mental torture. The world is big enough and I will find a way.
Yes I alone will find a way.