Reflection – Day 6

June 2020 was the first time last year when I had my firsts of sleepless nights. It was the time when all of a sudden every one around me were moving on into new things and I felt stuck as a fixture inside a wall. It was tough and I tried many things to keep calm and get back to living but every time I would stumble right back to where I started. The saddest part was – I could not tell anyone what I was feeling or going through. What could I have said ?

Oh your life is moving on to new things and I am miserable and I am horribly jealous of you? You can’t say that people you love. You actually should not even think like this for the people you love but I am terribly guilty of doing this. I kind of started hating anything and anyone and my complete anger was towards those who actually wanted and tried to stay close. That was also the time when I completely pushed everyone out of my life and then after few reflections, I decided to shut all social media channels and just stay in my present environment and tried not to think too much about the damage covid had done in my life. It kind of worked.

That was the first time in my life when I realized the negative power of social media and also the time I started finding little pieces of myself. Of course, no realization comes as lightning in head but these come as tiny moments in day to day life. A small random question appear out of nowhere like if I was making something good for breakfast and had the urge to post that picture on Instagram then I would ask – “was I just making this to post?”. There were many random moments like this which made me aware of my current surrounding and that how much I started depending on instant gratification we get from posting something on social media and checking who all have seen it. Its like you are connected to all those people somehow but then when you are all sweaty in the night with anxiety and not able to sleep then where are these people?

Though, now that I am reflecting on that time, what really helped me was talking my heart out with my beloved and he was the only one who had the patience and empathy that I absolutely needed at that time. He made me feel that what I was feeling was real and the fact that my life and our lives not moving was actually a problem and not a small silly thing as many were telling me. No body was to be blamed here. Every one was struggling with some or other thing and the best thing that one could do at such a time was to stay inside their families and stay present.

One more thing that helped me was this small little piece of tape holding sticky notes. It had 5 sticky notes taped on the wall in front of my work station at home. I had written one month on each sticky – Aug, Sep, Oct, Nov, Dec. The idea was that most of the time when we look at our current situation then we often feel like life is not moving at all but when we look at the life we had 6 months ago then we would find so many changes which we did not catch in the moment.

This tape was in front of my face for the last 5 months and the first 2 months itself helped me 100%. Every time I would face a difficult day at work, in relationship, in self expectations then I would simply just look at this tape and tell myself that ‘things are slowly changing and by the time Dec will come, I will be in much better place- emotionally and physically’. I still remember when I crossed Aug. I was so happy that one of worst months was over and now its only 4 more to go for 2020 to end.

So today, I finally crossed December. Its silly that I stopped looking at this tape sometime back in November as life was moving, slowly yet moving. And in other aspect, life had new big challenges like my new job, covid sickness and one after another issues with my families health yet it was in some way moving and most importantly, I now had hope. I was feeling better and I had this new energy for 2021.

My hygge moment today was crossing that December and reflecting on how far I have come. It was not easy but I moved. Maybe I just moved an inch and still there are 10,000 things that can improve but now I have a proof that if we give enough time and keep at it then things do get better.

All the best to you if you are struggling. Keep at it and I understand that when you are down then it feels like you are inside a dark box and no one can help. But there are people who want to help. Speaking out helps a lot. I also hope you find your silly hope game which helps you see long term. But don’t worry – it will all pass and nothing is as bad as it seems.