The alarm has snoozed once again. I swipe the screen of my note and switch off the bloody alarm and turn to my left side covering my-now-turned-cold-self completely under the blanket. The whether is quiet cold today as it has just started raining in the month of November in Delhi.
“Meera, for God’s sake please get up now, its already 11 AM and you have an interview to attend”, my best friend Kiran’s voice came screaming.
“I don’t want to attend, I don’t want to work for any corporate anymore”, I said from under the blanket.
“Do as you like as its your life”. I heard the main door slam after exactly 5 minutes. I have no will to sleep anymore as I am almost in this world now from my deep slumbering beautiful place. I will not be able to stay put in dreams now and hence 10 minutes later I am standing in front of my bathroom mirror and while brushing my teeth I look at myself in the mirror, “Hmmm, again that same swollen big eyes”. So, last night I again slept immersed in my tears. But I dont pay much heed to this as it has now become a ritual these days.
The day has already turned warm as its almost afternoon when I am still drinking my morning tea. Kiran has left me a note on kitchen counter.This has always been our ritual to leave notes and say things we were scared to tell on face. The note stated Dear Meera, please pull yourself together. I heard you sobbing last night and I can’t see that again. Please my dear come back to us. Your friend Kiran. Oh God Kiran, you are asking me to stop crying by making me cry, I curse her.
What should I do today? I asked this to myself after I have spent almost 2 hours watching Cook it like Heston on TLC. Why the hell I am watching people living their dreams when my all dreams are shattered and burned. Here I was thinking of spending my day actively and now I am crying my eyes out. At time I feel Kiran should not leave me alone at home as I loose track of life. Just then to make my day even better, I receive a phone call from my mother. At first I feel not to pick up her call but then I felt that maybe she will get worried about me. So I made a very wrong decision and answered her phone without knowing that this call will change many things in my life instantly.
Hi mumma , how are you? and she replies Meera why are you still at home? You were supposed to go for interview today right? Mom says. I reply by saying, no mumma I am not up for a job right now, may be I need some time alone to figure out my next step in life. To which she replies in anger and starts blaming me for not making it big in my life and soon we are fighting over phone. She goes on and on and says things which no mother should tell her daughter at time like these when her most important relationship has sank in deep Indian ocean. I try to persuade her to keep quiet now but she has decided before calling to take it all out and she says it all on to my face.
I disconnect the call in anger and threw my Note-mobile on sofa and I am crying like a soul cries after seeing its own body dead . Its such a foreign feeling where you feel numb and lost. Like your soul has drifted aside and you are all alone. I am crying even harder and the feeling of loneliness has sank deep inside now. In a funny way, I am actually not alone now as the feeling of loneliness has decided not to leave me alone. I have become one with it now and it has won over me. I am now speaking its words. I am telling to myself that yes you deserve it Meera, You have always been unlucky in love from the beginning. You have always put your complete self in relationships but have always been dejected. Yes, that’s how things have been up till now and its high time you realize that this is your destiny.
Its high time, you make up your mind that no one ever can bring peace and love into your life. So deal with it now. Either you will again fall flat on your face or accept it today that now onward you gotta walk alone. Yes that’s what I will do now. I can not let myself get hurt again. Its better that I give my love to those who may need it instead of praying to receive love from someone else. Meera, its not for you. After all see Siddharth never called again. I know that you have met him only now but don’t you feel its a dead duck. After all he is only finding excuses to stay away from you, my mind is speaking louder then ever. Get up and do the right thing. Delete his number and just get over with this. Never again you will and you should let anyone come closer to you.
I did the exact same thing and included one more step , I even unfriended him from my Facebook account and repeated that no one loves me and no one will ever loved me. I am and I should be enough for myself.
To be continued…