Decoding How I Feel – Part 2

Its safe to say that I am struggling. The mornings go pretty smooth with zeal to work on exciting things at work which I simply love but simple things get tough to manage as the monstrous day comes to an end. The petty comparison game starts and it happens very discreetly so I can not talk it down with conscience. People I interact with say something , someone posts something, or I over hear something about someone and its over for that day.

Today I just heard someone mention 26th January and the surprising emotions started pilling up as I had awesome 3 months planned from 27th January. If things would have gone as per plan then finally after almost an year or more like 6 years, I would have had some longish moments of real happiness. But things did not go as per plan and its really okay as people are really struggling right now and my problem is petty in front of them. Yet, I am in agony and deep pain. Its not just that this plan which has derailed rather its the long wait that has me down now. Remember what I told about running a marathon yesterday?

Anyhow, its life and we are meant to just see the best in everything that comes our way and I will do it too. Just not ready right now. But I do not want to give this impression to those who love me and those who are also struggling that I am not trying. I am not waiting for help and yes I am trying my best by pushing myself out of this dark cloud, its just taking little longer.

You know one thing, I used to love my room. Its a very small room in our house and everyone who has seen it, loves it as it gives pure Hygge feeling – its cozy, small, loving and filled with memories & books. But now I have cabin fever and I have somehow associated it to my room. I fear being that woman who will be living in this same room even after 20 years. I hate that thought and then the whole spiraling down starts that did I want this when I was deciding to move her almost 8 years ago? Was this my plan when I was in my 20s and had dreamy eyes of falling in love and traveling the world? My vision board which is same for last 3 years had any meaning in my life because nothing seem to be coming true?

You know one silly thing. My family loves astrologers, be it our family members, online predictions or just some random baba sitting outside Hanuman Mandir in Delhi. Since I was a baby, my reading always said that things would be awesome after 2 years. Time would pass and soon it would be more than 2 years and then they would say, after 2 years. At one points, few years ago, I started writing down these dates which people were confidently telling me about. You know what happened – nothing. All those dates came and went and nothing really happened like they mentioned so obviously my faith in this science was now in negatives. But few years ago, someone told me so confidently that I had to believe that person. So when covid happened, I slyly asked him about my prediction and he said – listen carefully – “Sheetalji when your time finally came then the whole world fell in jeopardy & your position in life today is not because of your stars but because the whole world is in trouble”. Well, I understand this yet I really don’t.

Really? This is the answer? I mean, c’mon….

My desperation these days drive me towards weird things but somehow yesterday I landed on this ted talk by Wendy Suzuki on The brain changing benefits of exercise. Basically she said that if you work out for at least 30 minutes, 3 – 4 times a week then you will start feeling better. Since I am that person who often feels like she is drowning, I am definitely clinging to this piece of floating wood.

I did workout for 30 minutes today and soon after that had this episode of rush-emotion when I heard someone saying 26th January. But I will trust Wendy more than I trusted all those predictors of my life. So for the next 15 days , I am sticking with Chloe Ting’s two week program.

The happy thought for today – Its fine. Things get better even when it may not seem like it right now.