Let the pain be
Recently I have been realizing the mistake I have been making for last decade or so and that is goal setting. Now I don’t mean goal setting is wrong but I have been stuck at the goal setting mode and not achieving mode.
I have been a planner since I was a small school going girl. I used to have very intense time table of dedicated time to all subjects with clear revision time included in between. Even then , the planning was more than actual studying. Recently I learned this that reason people who plan a lot don’t end up achieving goals is because they end up getting the same kick from planning which they would get from actual achievement of goals. So the high is short lived with “Goal Planning” unless you can really focus on working towards those goals.
How is this connected to me today?
I am acknowledging the rut I am in right now and constantly demotivated by achievement. I am secretly calling myself with a second name – Failure. One might ask why as at the look of it, I have it all. A good family, blessed relationships, good job, good work culture and a relatively normal health. Still if you take me out on a coffee date and ask me why I call myself with that name then I will give you 10,000 plus reasons on how imperfect or messy everything is in my mind. But this feeling stays deep in the hidden crevices of my existence. No one gets to see this as I don’t think anyone would understand or rather care. There are probably just two people who somewhat brunt the pain of my “disoriented beliefs”.
But after days of sleeplessness and staring at blank spaces with empty eyes, I openly say that I am in pain. I don’t know why and I really don’t know if I can articulate it but this is the truth and I am done putting on a mask. I give a damn in people think I am selfish or always thinking about myself. I am sorry but I don’t know how to feel good when I am feeling like this.
So, today during my evening walk, I started to think that maybe one of the reasons behind my deep failure feeling is the “unachieved goals”. Hence, I am declaring that 2021 is dedicated to healing myself. I have no goals. I do not want to set 10,000 big goals like running a marathon, achieving xyz in my career, finishing my novel or having a normal life. All I am going to do is write down what are my major pain areas that I can work on.
This year, let me take a step back and just try and live. I know its not going to be easy when I will see everyone moving on and my feeling of staying stuck at a place in life will impact me but let me experience this pain. As in Buddhism it says that suffering is part of life and if a person experiences pain calmly, without becoming emotionally distressed, then that person can attain greater states of being.
So lets just let it pass through me.