Is that depression?
First month of 2017 is about to be over and I just can not wait for it to leave me. Please F Off.
I keep telling this to my friends that the year has not started on a good note for me- personally and professionally. There were things I had put my blood and soul into, be it an office project, my family, my relationships with certain people and my finances, all of these have led me to to this space of failure.
This certainly does not mean that January was all bad for me. No-No. They say right that when going gets tough that’s when you know who are your real people and yes I received help from all parts of the world. Some helped me consciously and others unconsciously by just being there with me and listening to my silence. I am not very good with bitching…although I do whine sometimes..however I try hard not to.
It maybe far off to say this but I think its brave to admit that I might have been tolerating some sort of depression from last few months. Wait a minute. I think depression is a far too strong a word to say here when I have never visited a medical professional or psychologist in my life but in a general sense I said that it could be some form of prolonged sadness and January of 2017 shadowed my whole personality into this. I knew at all times that there is something which is damaging my happiness and I am simply sitting at sidewalk and not doing anything as I just didn’t have that willpower to muster upon. I desperately wished for things to get better all by themselves, people to start behaving nicer just like that, a new vision to appear from no where on itself and meeting someone I had been meaning to meet for so long all easily BUT none of this was going to happen all by itself. It needed some work. Infact it needed hard work. I also hoped for someone to just notice me struggling and offer help. That also simply sound filmy and they say right “God helps those who helps themselves”.
So I have taken things in my hands.
My happiness is my responsibility and this is not rocket science, right? I always knew this. How? Well, some years back when I suffered a major bump on the road, I had hit the wall of life too hard that even though I had applied all my efforts to survive the crash I had failed. I would stand at the road facing grill door of my apartment and keep staring outside at the road – not thinking anything- simply looking. I could have just kept looking and life would pass me by but life does not happen that way even when all I wanted was to freeze in that moment forever and not face life.
In my opinion, there are stages of getting over something horrible in life. First stage is when you face that thing but do not accept the failure as your own and I call it Negligence. Second stage is when it hits you that you lost something and the pain takes over your entire being and I call it Teary heart and then the final stage where you get this euphoric moment that “its you who need to get up and row the boat away from scary waters” and that’s when you take control of your life.
I think after that time in my life when I had picked up my life pieces by pieces and worked hard on developing the shattered self image, I had realized that I have it in me. I can do wonders in life as if from that stage I can navigate myself to this beautiful place then I can do anything. Ofcourse I didnt do it all by myself. I always had help around corners but the most important part of getting help is to first recognize that you want help and you work on yourself- day after day.
This time around, I am not that sad but I feel this weird emptiness at all times. Maybe I know the reason or maybe its just lack of desired results. Who knows and maybe its time to stop focusing on answer and start focusing on changing directions. This happens to almost all of us that we keep looking at the closed door for so long that we miss the window of opportunity which would take us to the blossomed meadow. I am ready to turn my back at the door and walk towards the meadow. You know why? Because I deserve to be there and so do you.
My only reason behind writing this was that if any of the readers are feeling that something is not right then stand up for yourself. Ask help, write journals, say gratitude, do something but shopping, read books on this topic but eat junk food and fall in love with yourself again. You are the one. You are the universe. You are the God.