A New Year Resolution Yet Again

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Here comes yet another new year wagging its tail and making us fall in love with the version of ourselves which is visible in its eyes. Once again, there is hope to create the new US which is empowered, diligent, honest with ourselves, healthy, active and a winner in all aspects of life. How easy it feels to start over and we jump into 10 new habits / goals at the beginning of the year, yet again. The goals itself are almost always the same predictable ones, getting up early, working out, loosing weight, learning new skills, travelling more, spending time with family more and saving more money. I am not saying there is anything wrong with this infact for what its worth, everyone should aspire to do more, learn more and give more. The problem here is that more than anything, we should learn to be accountable, like, to ourselves.
Personally this time I do not want to close my eyes and believe in this empty hope that somehow I will change or improve my life by setting resolutions at the beginning of year. What I would do? Read till the end and my answer will be there.
Frankly, I am no different than everyone else out there who does this so sheepishly every year. Actually, writing at the beginning of the year about new hopes and plans for the year ahead is a habit I acquired many years ago. After all this time I have realized that its easy to plan. What’s harder is to stick to it when all ships sail south and that’s been a life long pattern for me and I am sure for many of you out there. Things just wouldn’t go easy on you, right? For whom does it goes easy? I don’t have a right answer, yet, I know that its just a perspective. Everyone has their own shit to handle. Some handle it easy yet others find it hard and need help. And then there are also times when you are so tired of arranging your life a certain way that you loose what direction you set yourself at in the first place. When that happens, you need help and counsel and sometimes simple inner strength. Its hard, I know.
But trying to write this blog has been more harder. God knows from when I am planning to do this but every time I start writing I realize I have left so much out but what can I possibly write which can sum up everything that’s going on in my mind?
Well, to trace back the intention of this blog I’d say that it was to bring light to the new and big tunnel ahead of me, a new year. Lets plan something here but before that why don’t we talk about things that always stops from moving ahead. Well, what are the things that could stop you, jam your feet, scare the shit out of you from taking another step into unknown territory to fulfill your dreams?
Is it failure?
Its a funny thing, failure. As a society we have learned to brace the failures as a part of life and we don’t talk about it. Rather, we talk about small issues all the time like someone wronging us but if we genuinely fail at something then it stays shush and internally sabotage our inner space.
But let me tell you, its not easy. Definitely not easy to live with if not handled with patience and immense hope. I failed a lot in 2018. Actually I failed since I remember my life. Failing at finding peace, looking good, finding a decent guy, getting awesome grades, choosing a career I was so passionate about, loosing my self for wrong men, loosing friends, getting into friendships that used every inch of me, loosing my money, my mind, my health and the list is endless. But 2018 was like this one big giant year which wouldn’t leave me alone. Its like the big ass elephant who raided my life and took away most of it. I did plead for help in the beginning but when I didn’t get it what did I do? I didn’t fight ofcourse with those I looked up to as I was too proud to beg instead I found courage to fight it myself. Atleast I thought it was courage but now I think it was an immortal damage that I did to myself by keeping it shut. I now realize, its okay to rant. You should be allowed to rant as it removes the attachment from small setbacks and you realize that its okay as a human to fail and fail again and yet again. You can lower your standards and just be happy in the moment as its gonna pass. I didn’t realize it and no one was there to tell me this. I mean no one was there to tell me this at that time and slowly I started creating this giant space in my heart which could hold the pain so effortlessly that no one would ever see it laying there. I became amazing at keeping secrets and at being shut and at shutting down people from me life.
It ofcourse didn’t help as there started a constant fight of validation between the inner damaged self and the showgirl image. Nothing connected.
I laugh yet I cry,
I cry so deep that the tears fall back into abyss.
I was with everyone,
yet the space in me was dark and clouded.
I was crying for help,
But my mouth wouldn’t utter a word and my mind was always at a fix.
That was enough rant about failure. The point is – speak up. If you are that lucky person who feels there is no one who have time for your rant than write your thoughts but let it out of your system as it would eat you up, slowly mold the place within you. So do it.
What other reason could hold you back from meeting your targets for that dream life?
It could be Life style?
Do you know its become a disease, our lifestyle. I am actually not that kind of person who gets sucked into “modern lifestyle problems” top much like going out after office too much, drinking, smoking, indulging in too many pleasurable activities like shopping, gossiping, partying, hooking up to take my mind off the big problem, “what do I want from my life”. I am not kidding. Its a disease. I see it everyday around me where people just want distraction as they haven’t figured out their shit or because they need too much validation from others so they are always doing things to please others. Yet I suffered from a lifestyle disease.
There could be other aspects of this problem as well. Like not sleeping enough, too much time in travelling, eating junk food, eating at improper hours, binge watching , binge eating and self loathing after all this.
Too many dreams?
The latest fashion of hustle in life has done us good but has also caused a lot of damage, if the goals are not planned out carefully. Its preached like a way of life’ that not only you should excel at your job and love your job but once you reach home, hustle for your dream and passion. Its known to be okay to work post your corporate jobs at your dream jobs and there are too many motivational quotes saying “Your real job starts on Friday night“. I am part of the problem myself as I have always told myself to do more and give more and learn more and don’t get me wrong, I think its awesome. What I realized now is that I think where I failed is to accept the shortcomings which are inevitable while following this way of life. I am sure I am not alone in this. Its easier said than done.
One thing I realized that this method of working only pays off if certain areas of life are sorted, for example, your job takes only 8-9 hours, your commute to home is manageable, you have accessible outlets from where you can order a healthy dinner/ lunch without bothering much or rather you have easy access to fresh fruits/ vegetables without pesticides that you can simply blend into a smoothie and get to work, your home living is harmonious etc. I sound like a douchebag and a first class victim but this is all honest at some level. You may not need things like these everyday but if everyday you are handling these issues then where do you have time to hustle my friend?
I have lived my last three years like this and I am not getting into much details at the moment but pretty much all the issues listed above and in addition of my 5 hours daily commute from work to home and back plus limitations on financial aspects which stops me from choosing to live closer to work have always been present in my life of last couple of years. But this does not stopped me from dreaming big in life. All we gotta do is find a balance and fewer aims which we can actually fulfill and ofcourse management of all this effectively.
In a Nutshell:
We all want to live and do more and in all honesty I want that too for myself and for everyone out there but at what expense? I tried it all and what happened was I became too hard on myself and we all do that, right? We beat ourselves up for every mistake till we make a new one. Gotta stop it sister as it ain’t working.
I realized this the hard way that beating myself up was doing no good to me and enough damage’s already done so what now? What about goals and what if I am not sure what I am pursuing is the right thing to do?
Well, recently when I met my dearest friend Shilpi Siwach, she told that she has found her calling and that’s climbing mountains and being there doing her stuff and she said “people spend their entire lives searching for a meaning and I found one then still its so difficult to manage a lot of things in life to achieve that dream of hers”. She said it in a rant (remember we should rant in front of people who love us. go for it!) but at the moment I was thinking how effin true that is that people have no goals and that’t one major reason they do what they do. Back stab people at work as excelling at office is the only goal but then fail at that job too even if get it because this was not what was the ultimate desire and then it starts -spend money to feel good, eat endlessly to feel good and it continues until every morsel of body become so full of hatred for each other that because of which people are actually evil and society is becoming largely evil if you look closely.
But if we are really confused about the goal? or what if you had a goal but doesn’t seem like the end game or it changes half way working through it? Its fine I think.
My only dream as child was to become wold class dancer/ performing artist who would dance to lift up people and create such a spark in them that they would finally realize that life is full of joy and its for living. I then wanted to become recluse and travel the world, find a quiet mountain home for myself and start a thriving business to uplift life of poor, then I also wanted to be a writer who can change world with her views. I also have a new dream now. Hows it going? I have no clue but I know that things changes with new challenges. If we do not evolve with the current force of problems that we face then what do we learn? End of the day, its all about what we learn and how we navigate from one situation to another and in the process make something worth living for and sharing for. I have also understood that its smart to first plan your life in such a way that you can facilitate your goals and dreams like I can’t be having this life style and struggle to find time to write my book instead I need to first find my balance, remove obstacles, learn habits that would help me manage my health and my goals, become financially stable to be able to live that life that I so want and yes keep learning slowly but daily.
Also, its one step at a time. I am not sure if I can ever write that book I started couple of years ago as its not that easy when you also have a life plan and set of dreams and I really want to fulfill them. In order to do that, I must solve my financial problems and be able to afford me some time for my passion. SO ONE STEP AT A TIME.
Finally, if all these problems are true then how do we get where we want to go? For me it would loosely be segregated in following-

  1. De-stress your life. Failure is the way forward and there is no better teacher than this so, embrace it. I should embrace it and use it as a navigating tool in life.
  2. Nothing and I mean nothing is more important that your health. I now know this and just a few minutes ago when I felt a sharp pain in my legs because of the new sickness I have developed, I freaked out and called my out my will power. I was frantically walking around our house and saying aloud that “I have cured my disease and I am healthy”. I have always been healthy yet been an emotional eater. Now I realize whats more important- Its my peace of mind.
  3. Plan to manage daily time effectively meaning stick to a routine. Or else, its very easy to get late everyday, leave late everyday, waste time watching unnecessary youtube videos, talk endless gossips , become agitated and nervous. Rather, we can simply plan
  4. Don’t be a victim of FOMO. The fear of missing out is real and it has captivated all of us so ineptly that we not only make things our priority because of the fear that someone else will do it if we won’t but we also make sure that everyone is paying importance to this weird feeling. I am done with it and YES I HAD BECOME A VICTIM OF FOMO. I remember long time ago, one of our close relatives, Ashish was talking about how his colleagues are forcing him to join an office whatsapp group and he was reluctant as from what I know about him, he values simple things in life like his own time which he feared will be capsulated if he joins that group. I think he did end up joining that group and people had tap on his time but we all do it. Social Media, as we know it has taken away a lot of space FROM our mind and we are simply acting as its captives.
  5. Managed Social Media Time. Its closely related to the above point and I mean, we all must have a dedicated time allocated to these things and its a fun way if we behave towards this time as a treat to some activity like if you finish reading a chapter than you are allowed to go to Instagram. Also, why are we so bound to check our whatsapp at all times? My dear friend Jonathan hardly checks his whatsapp and I can say that same for his entire family. But I bet its become a reflex reaction where every notification tone on whatsapp gives us anxiety to check whats there. Gotta stop it. BIG TIME.
  6. Set one goal each month. I had been planning to do this since long and now this new change in life has given me this opportunity to be slow and steady. I don’t want to achieve 10 new habits in 30 days anymore. All I want is to be able to live my life fully and for that I should have some new improved habits but like I said earlier- one step at a time. I will be sharing those soon as soon I figure certain things in my life.
  7. Do one challenging thing each month. Why? Well human brain gets used to old methods and systems very easily and we should constantly shake it up to revive ourselves. Comfort zone is the most dangerous place you can be for a long time and there is only one way to not be stuck there for long- do something that challenges you. How? Take like a monthly fun goal/ project and finish it each month. Did you know that finishing what we started gives us immense self confidence even if the thing we started at first place was a simple act like cleaning the room? So by this point we are doing two things at once- Preparing our mind by keeping it active and young and at the same time, learning confidence.
  8. Faith & Hope are your closest friends. You can embark on this journey or any journey, you are bound to have failure, stumbling stones and setbacks. You are bound to loose hope and faith in yourself , your relationships and your goals. BUT, no matter what, for once, try to keep hope and faith by your side. Try it like a challenge for a year atleast so I mean even if you end up in hospital bed,loose job, loose all your money, loose other precious necessity of life then remember that its all is happening to teach you something. So listen and let failure navigate you and KEEP YOUR FAITH & HOPE intact.
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